Last week was a tough week for me. On Sunday night, my friend Sherry passed away suddenly in her sleep. I had met her at Barkus, a Mardi Gras parade, but I had gotten to know her after that through social media. If you follow us on Facebook, you’ve likely seen Sherry or her dog, Maximilian, post on our timeline.
The other tough part of last week is one that hits a lot of us hard: the death of Terry, who blogged over at Spearfruit. Terry’s death was expected—we all, including Terry, knew that it was coming, even if we didn’t know exactly when it would happen.
I don’t remember when Terry and I started following each other’s lives through our blogs, except that it was before he and Gary, his husband, sold their house in anticipation of moving into the RV and traveling the country. Through our blogs and our discussions, I got to know Terry—not as much as some of you, but enough that I considered him a friend. We chatted about our dogs, music, our lives, and anything you would talk about with a friend. I looked forward to visiting Terry’s blog every morning and seeing what part of his life he shared with us that day, whether it was his Boogie Blogging or something about the tough times he went through when he was younger. When Terry got his cancer diagnosis and it derailed his and Gary’s travel plans, we talked about it through blog comments, and I hope I offered him some comfort as that cancer progressed over this last year.
As Terry got sick, I would talk to people in my everyday life about my “blogging friend” and what he was going through. I heard myself talk about my “blogging friend” and could hear them discounting that friendship as soon as they realized I only knew this person I was talking about from our online lives. It upset me, because this was someone I cared deeply about.
But, then again, wasn’t I discounting that friendship, too? By calling Terry a “blogging friend,” I was separating him from those who I would just call “friend,” without any qualification. He became, if you will, a hyphenated friend.
Once I realized I was doing this, I started hearing myself qualifying my friendships with all sorts of people who I knew solely from my blogging. Everyone was my “blogging friend” when I discussed something I had learned from him or her. I did this, even though these were people I talked to via our blogs every day, and had talked to every day for years in some cases. These “blogging friends” were people whose kids I had seen growing up, who had offered me advice, whose trials I had cried over, and who had put up with literally hundreds of pictures of Choppy from me.
But when I talked about these people with my “real friends”—the friends who I met and got to know in person—I would always call them my “blogging friends,” as if they were something less than “real friends” and required a qualifier to denote this.
But you know what? My “blogging friends” don’t need a qualifier. You are “real friends,” and I should stop acting like you aren’t. It discounts those of you who have been loyal friends, sometimes for weeks, sometimes for years. It discounts you, both in my eyes, and in the eyes of those who hear me call you a “blogging friend,” and I don’t want to do that any longer.
From now on, when I relate something one of you said, I will discuss what my friend said. Or the advice my friend gave me on traveling. Or the funny thing my friend’s grandchild said last week.
Or that on Friday, my friend Terry passed away.
No qualifications. No hyphens.
Because Terry was not a “blogging friend.” Terry was just a friend. And I miss him.
Sorry for the loss of your friend.
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friends*
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Thank you.
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I’m sorry for your loss. I qualify friends, too. ‘Friends from high school’, ‘virtual friends’, ‘book blogging friends’, even ‘coworkers’. You’re right. I have to stop doing that.
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Clearly, there is some place for it – if someone wants to know how I know someone, it makes sense. But at the end of the day, they’re all my friends, no matter how I met them.
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Thank you for this post, you said it perfectly! I will miss Terry too…. Sorry to hear about your other friend, what a great place to meet someone though 🙂
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She was a fun person – it’s no wonder I met her at a fun event. Even her memorial service looked fun – they had it at her favorite restaurant on the beach.
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I am terribly sorry to hear about your loss. That is never an easy thing to deal with.
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Thanks – both Sherry and Terry will be missed. And Terry was in such pain at the end, I take some comfort knowing he is not dealing with that any longer.
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That’s two very sad losses. You wrote that so well, Sarah. I did know “spearfruit” was ill, so sad to hear……for Gary, too. Interesting thoughts on qualifications. To me, it’s merely specifying how you know a friend, like through blogging. To me, all friends are friends.
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I think perhaps it’s something about the “blogging friend” thing more than other types of friendship – like, if I haven’t met you in person, that somehow diminishes our friendship. And I don’t think it does at all.
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I think that when you respond to a blog, you do have a different relationship than a face-to-face friendship, obviously, because in many instances your blog friend can be continents away! I was going to add to my comment, above, that Eliza is my blogfriend…..I enjoy her photos & writings & I have shared some of my photos with her. We have (some) similar interests. She has some very interesting blogs that she follows…I already spend so much time on my iPad, so I can’t follow “everyone”, but I would like to, because bloggers have so much to share….it’s mostly a very caring community, of people who enjoy sharing on a very different level than ”visual” friendships.
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Sorry for the loss of your “friend.” I lost a social media friend recently myself. Whether you hang out with them over a beer and a ball game or just online, when they’re gone, it still hurts and you still feel the pain. I hope you are able to take comfort in the good exchanges you shared. Oodles of poodles tail wags as you move forward. 💔
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Thank you!
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Sad news… Terry’s smiling gravatar and comments will be missed. You are right about online friends being just as ‘real’ as ones we’ve sat with, sometimes more so. Those who don’t blog can’t understand this. I care about many of my ‘blogging buddies’ that I have come to know over the years. Whether they stop blogging for some reason (or pass), I miss them and those fine threads of connection that we’ve shared. Even years later I am wondering where they are and how they are faring. This empathic ability is what makes us human. ❤
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I was going through old comments this weekend to see what Terry had posted when we first started communicating. There were a few people who have disappeared from the blogging community whose comments were all over the blog, and who have disappeared and I still miss. You really hit the nail on the head about how I feel.
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Labels per se are necessary for clarity but, sub-splitting them into variations of the original label really can complicate matters and are probably unnecessary. Whether I am talking about my friends, or my family, or my neighbours… to split them into close, distant, black, white, Christian, Jewish, Italian, Ukrainian etc. etc. adds nothing to the dialogue (or at least it shouldn’t!) 🙂
Have wonderful day friend! 🙂
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It doesn’t – you have a wonderful day as well!
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Dear Sarah, my friend,
I’m sad to read of the loss of two of your friends. Unexpected or expected it’s always an awful time. I’m guessing this is why comments were off for some posts. I was hoping you were on an adventure. I hope you, Paul, Choppy and Schooner have time to grieve and recover.
I know exactly what you mean about ‘a friend who blogs, or ‘a friend from twitter’. Yes, we’re all friends, we all have a connection.
Take care, my friend.
Gaz
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Thanks for your kind words.
(As for the comments, that was actually because fall is my busiest season, and I can’t keep up with them on the weekends, and I feel bad if I miss someone’s comment – so, easier to turn them off and just not worry about it).
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Ah, I understand completely.
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Thank you Sarah. You’ve expressed beautifully much of what I’ve been thinking these last few days. I’ve struggled to express my sense of Terry’s loss to people in the “real” world, because I’ve found it so hard to explain that although I never met him in person, I consider Terry to be my friend. It’s comforting to know that you (and so many other people) feel the same way. I agree; no time for hypenated friendships!
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend Sherry; that’s a tough blow in an already hard week.
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Thank you for your kind words. Terry was the first person I’ve felt so close to thanks solely to our online relationship, it has been difficult to express it to others. Everyone online has been great, though – so many are feeling the same way. At least with Sherry, it is easier to explain to others, as we did meet in person. That seems easier for those who aren’t part of a blogging community to understand and sympathize with.
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I’m sorry for your losses Sarah. It’s no less hard to lose a friend you’ve made online than in reality because you still invest yourself in them. Sometimes they’re the ones to help you through that dark place you find yourself in. Sometimes it’s someone you help get through that dark place. We have some memories to fall back on but it doesn’t soften the blow.
xxx Huge Hugs xxx
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You are so right – thank you for all these kind words.
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me too xoxoxoxoxo friend
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So many of us are going to miss Terry – he was such a good, kind person.
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he really was
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I’m really sorry, Sarah, to read about your two friends. You’re right of course – I also talk about blogging friends and shouldn’t. I’ll drop the qualifier too from now on (unless, as others have pointed out) it’s relevant.
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Exactly – there are times it is relevant, but when it comes to a situation where it isn’t, there is no reason to qualify it.
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I am so sorry for your double loss Sarah. To lose one is sad, to lose two so close together is heartbreaking.
We have boating friends and blogging friends, using the preceding adjective so that people know who I’m talking about. It’s all to do with community I suppose, and we felt we belonged to both these worlds. Face to face friends are few, though we have been exceptionally lucky in making new friends through the boating world who have joined this particular ‘rank’. Those in blogging are like an extended family to me, and I am glad to know tthem.
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I think I’m most concerned that people don’t discount the friendships I have with people I’ve met through blogging – even on the darkest of days, I know I can count on so many of the friends I have met because of my blogging. Those are true, good friends.
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Live, love and be happy, your friends would want you to xx
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😁☀️
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That they would – I’ve always tried to keep that in mind when I’ve lost someone close to me. It’s hard not to have them around, but they would want me to be happy.
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However friends come into our lives, it leaves a hole when they are gone. I am so sorry for your loss.
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Thank you.
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I met you at Barkus with Sherry. Hang in there with what you are going through. Daphne Kelly
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Hi Daphne. It was tough losing Sherry – I keep wondering why I haven’t seen anything from her on Facebook. I am glad I got to meet her (and you!) – even when she made me supremely jealous with all those beach lunches while I suffered through winter.
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It seems, after reading all these responses, that blog responsers are more sensitive than others…maybe that’s an attraction we all understand.
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I’ve found that often to be the case.
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So beautifully put and so true. I’m sorry for the loss of those you cared about so.
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Thanks – it’s been good to have a lot of people going through the same thing. We’ve all been chatting and keeping each others’ spirits up.
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I’m so sorry to hear this, Sarah. You’ve written them both a beautiful tribute. Sending my love.
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Thanks, Leah.
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Sarah, first I must acknowledge the sudden death of your friend … I am truly sorry for your loss. Sudden deaths are very shocking and you will all need to be extra careful with each other as it sinks in. This is a marvelous piece of writing that affirms that however a person touches our life and becomes part of it they are that wonderful word ‘friend’. No need for uncomfortable tags. We are friends. What a wonderful epitaph for Terry … that he made us all friends not some sort of clumsy excuse in case people think we are weird. Thank you for this, Sarah. Just thank you
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Thanks for your kind words – I knew you would understand. There wasn’t anything odd about my friendship with Terry, even if we never met in person. He was still a friend, and a good one at that.
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Loud and clear. It’s awful how prejudice creeps into everything. After all we used to have pen pals when I was at school and no-one assumed there was anything odd in it.
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That is a great analogy!
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Sorry to hear about your loss… Stay strong.
http://www.dariasdiaries.eu
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Thank you.
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Reblogged this on Die Erste Eslarner Zeitung – Aus und über Eslarn, sowie die bayerisch-tschechische Region!.
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Thank you for the reblog.
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What a beautiful post! I wish you peace in hearing of your friends passings.
I will make a point to stop tagging friends this way also.
I think sometimes I have a closer relationship with many of my ‘blogging friends’ than my real life friends. I may not talk to my real life friends but once a week. I used to blog daily and interact with online folks daily!
Speaking of which, we should change our status soon 😉 We’ll surely be up north camping somewhere near you.. maybe we can hit a supper club? Let’s email!
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Definitely! It’s fall, so Paul and I are a pain to catch – but we’ve got a couple free weekends in October and November. I know of many good supper club that would be happy to serve us some wine and cocktails.
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I am truly sorry to hear about your friend Sherry and also the passing of Terry. I tried to write you comment at the weekend but couldn’t so I concluded you travelled. Not knowing what you were going through. SO sorry..
And I call you friend, you should know that already. Do take care. Sending you love and light.
XO
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I call you a friend – and have for a long time. Thanks for your kind words.
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We are very sorry to read about your loss.
In view of death we are speechless.
With compassionate greetings
The Fab Four of Cley
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Thank you.
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So sorry to hear about your friends passings. I love what you have written, and, though I didn’t know Terry, I have a feeling that he would be pleased that he made such a lasting impact on your life.
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Thank you for your kind words – I think Terry had a bigger impact on a lot of people during his life than he realized. That’s a statement I think most people would aspire to have said about them after they die.
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Very true.
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First: I’m so sorry for your loss. I didn’t know your friend Sherry myself but because of Terry I sadly now know how it feels to lose someone dear who we have met via internet. But as you said with Terry we all knew what was coming, it must have been even more shocking with Sherry.
I love what you wrote about your friendship with Terry – I still struggle to find words but I want to write something about him too soon.
And I echo your thoughts about stopping to hypenate friends – I did it too and couldn’t stand the looks of people who clearly thought that friends you’ve met through blogging weren’t as good or real than those we actually see and meet. So I stopped saying my blogging friend when talking about Terry (and you with your lovely fun pictures 😄) to other people quite a while ago. Because I often feel that my friends on WP are sometimes more real than the others as we all share our thoughts and feelings on a daily or weekly basis.
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You said it so well – sometimes, my WP friendships really are more real than those friendships I have in my “real” life.
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Funny, isn´t it? I would never have thought it possible 🙂
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I certainly wouldn’t have, either – but now, I would lose a lot if I didn’t have you guys!
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I feel exactly the same!!! 🙂
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Sarah, I really feel I have no words. Hugs my friend. I did not know Sherry, but I am sorry that you are having to go through two deaths, so close together. Terry meant the world to so many of us, and I still feel quite numb about his death. I open up my computer each day, and his post is just not there. ..it is just not the same. I do miss him. One thing though, I am pleased he is not suffering anymore,, that is my comfort…. I hope you manage to have a good week further and a great weekend. x
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So sorry for your loss.
And you are 100% right, if you view them as your friend, it doesn’t matter if it is through blogging or somewhere physical. They are your friends and those in the virtual spasce can be just as good and strong and supportive (if not sometimes moreso) than those we foster in the physical.
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Thank you for your kind and understanding words.
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